I watched a film recently and heard this quote “ you are listening but your not hearing” So often this is the key problem within many families, in fact many relationships whether that be husband and wife, an employer and staff, service provider and customer. We are all busy listening but we don’t always hear!!!

It seems like such a simple thing to ask someone to listen to you and actually hear what you are asking of them. For many parents it is a constant cause of stress when they ask their children to do something and then it does not get done. Many mum’s feel like they are constantly nagging and that in itself is draining.

Every single person needs someone to listen to them with undivided attention on them and their needs. How wonderful would it be to say what you want and to say  it just once, and for that person to actually hear you, understand you and then action the request. Heaven I hear you cry!!!

The trouble is so few of us are very good at actually hearing what others say. In this busy society we are so often multi tasking and it has become the norm. So the average parent is busy loading the dishwasher, cooking dinner or generally sorting things while talking/listening to their children. Not to mention the mental distraction as a parent I can often hear the “to do list chunking away in my head” Next I need to make the packed lunch, then I must remember to check the bank account on line and oh I must remember to send grandma a birthday card……………  and it just keeps going.

So with all this in mind I thought I would write a short article on some of the techniques that have helped myself and my clients to rebuild relationships with their children and many other important relationships.

 

Well as I often say in my coaching to receive what we want we often have to do it first ourselves. To train someone else to do a task to the standard we want to achieve it we have to first know how to do it ourselves.

 

 

Please feel free to grab a pen and paper and jot down your thoughts.

Here are some that my clients came up with;

My child does not keep eye contact with me.

When they continue to send a text message

When they will not answer the questions I ask

When they seems distracted, and in a hurry to get the conversation over with.

 

When their body language and tone of voice indicate they are not interested they might roll their eyes, or turns away from you.

 

When my partner interrupts before I have finished my sentence.

 

 So what does actually listening look like, sound like and feel like.

They keep eye contact

They nod in agreement

They ask questions to understand more

They are totally focused and interested in what you are talking about.

They don’t interupt

They say things like really!! Tell more!! And how do you feel about that?

They don’t say what they think they don’t try to solve the problem.

 

Now I would ask when your child approaches you and wants to talk to you about the remote control their Nintendo not working, or the argument with their friends at school or maybe wants to talk about homework. What do you do?

How often do we as parents stop what we are doing and look them in the eye and smile interested and keen to hear what they have to say.

How often do you switch that voice off in your head that says getting dinner done is more important than listening to the petty arguments of children?

 Do you sit down face them and encourage them to tell you more?

Although this is vital to listening to actually practice this technique often there is something needed before you can commit to this. In my experience there is often a step before this one.

It is how to manage that list of things you have to do, how to prioritise the importance of listening to your children in comparison to paying bills, cooking dinner etc.

So I would ask you to focus on what it is you want to have happen.

 If you were really listening to your children and they were listening to you. What would happen next? Give this some thought and write down everything that would happen if you could really listen to your children, if they could really listen to you.

When people are listened to they open up and talk about all sorts of things. The trust grows that their views are important and they will be listened to and not ignored. It creates a safe environment for people to say what they think.

Now you have a detailed picture of what could happen if everyone listened to each other

 Now you are ready to move forward. Now you know the importance and the impact on the life of you and your family.

 

 

What would have to happen for you to be able to listen 100% to others?

 

Our children learn by example, years ago I remember adults and parents saying “don’t do as I do, Do as I say” and maybe years ago when parents had time to keep saying it over and over that was effective. But now time is a valuable commodity we don’t have and we have learned that fear, bully and aggression don’t work either.

So what is the way forward. Remember this is the first step in getting your children to listen to you. If you cant stop doing and thinking about what is really important to you, to listen to what is important to them, how will you be able to teach them to stop doing what is important to them(text, facebook, music, tv, computer games etc) at a drop of a hat because you need to talk to them.( now some of you might be shouting well they should just do it I am the adult and I am in charge. I have been known to say exactly this) But as adults we teach our children to talk by repeating words, we teach them to walk by walking with them, we teach them to eat by showing them so why would listening be anything different.

 

 

 

When at work, would you approach a fellow colleague at work or a potential customer with out asking for permission to talk. What I mean is would you say something like, “is it convenient to talk”

In business when I make a call to a client and they are not expecting me out of courtesy I will ask is it a good time to talk. If they say no I respect that and arrange another time that is more convenient for us both. I do this because I know if it is not a good time they will be distracted and what I say will not be heard. It took me awhile to show my children the same respect.

Like wise if you are showing this courtesy then they will be in the habit of not demanding your attention immediately. Like all good business transaction when you want to pin down a time to talk, it is always wise to say so when would be a good time. Once you have established a time when you can talk and respect has been shown it becomes easier to request the same of your children.

It is therefore a good habit to let your children know when you can give them the time undivided to discuss their issues. If you are busy cooking dinner and it will burn if you leave it then saying “I can see this is really important to you and I want to give you my full attention so can we sit down after dinner and talk about that” would be far better than trying to listen stir the gravy and not really hearing the conversation.

If by delaying means you might not get around to it and yet you know it is important to find that time.

 

 

This one is difficult because every day and every situation will be different. Some days you really may not have time to stop, but I would ask you to consider the long term effect if tomorrow never comes. What I mean is that if you find yourself always saying “I cant,  I don’t have time today, maybe tomorrow or simply later” But later and tomorrow never comes. I would ask you to consider the how you feel when you have something on your mind that you want to off load and every time you start to tell someone they get distracted and seem disinterested. What effect would that have on your self confidence your self esteem if every time you went to talk people “seemed” not to be interested.

 

I don’t think many of us get the privilege of someone really listening to us. I know for me personally I am very lucky in the same year as I met my husband who is a great listening and I started training as a coach. I experienced the amazing feeling of being heard for what seemed to be the first time in my life. I remember my first coaching session well actually it was just a training session in May 2006. I was told to tell my partner about something I was really proud of and I had 5 minutes to tell them. The other person was not allowed to interrupt and just had to smile and say tell me more. All the time I was talking my partner had to listen and at the end they had to think of one word that described me positively.

I remember being overwhelmed at the feeling that I had when someone actually listened to me. To gain praise and acknowledgement that they had heard me just added to that feeling. This is the gift you can give your children and they in turn will give to you. Once you start to realise how great it makes a person feel it becomes so much easier to set the time aside for the people that matter.

 

Try it with a friend or partner someone you trust and ask them to tell you about something they have achieved in the last 6 months they are really proud of. You are to listen and even if you have tried it and thought it was rubbish you are not to show it. Remember this is one of the most important things to this person and they are trusting you with this information. When they pause just smile and wait. After a little while smile again, say something like go on tell me more and let them talk some more. Then when they have finished tell them in one word what you think that demonstrates, and give an example of why. Please feel free to email your findings I would love to hear. This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or call me on 01329 286648

Now to reassure you I am not by any stretch of your imagination perfect at this, because I, to have a busy schedule and life is a balancing act. When writing this article I heard my son calling me in the background and yelled back shut up!!!.[ I can hear my mum saying now “that’s be quiet” ( sorry mum!!)]Suddenly aware he was just behind me and I had not heard him properly I burst out laughing. He looked at me in bemusement. So I shared with him that I was writing an article about how important it was for parents to listen to their children and yet I had screamed shut up to him. We both laughed and laughed, I then put the laptop away and he came sat on my lap and he told me his story. The truth is that this story was important to me because I know so many parents are struggling and Step by Step now have the answer but for that moment that day my sons goal in his football match, or my daughters result of a test are more important. This report is past its deadline but there will always be parents wanting my help but my children will only be this age once and will only try to talk to me so many times before they will give up.

It only took a few minutes and he went off smiling and I was able to return to my work.

This has not always been the case in my home, but I am glad to say it is now. You to can take one step at a time to become a good listener and in time the children will learn your habits and listen to.

 

Please note as a parent we do the best we can with the information we have.

 

There is no right way to do your family just the right way for you.

 

Now you have the information you have a choice, and you can choose to change your habits and we are here to support you in that change.

 

Kind Regards

 

 

Sheryl Andrews

Founder of Step by Step

Qualified Life Coach with a diploma in

Personal Performance Coaching

2 years experience developing and supporting women with setting up their own businesses

7 years experience running my own business, and supporting people with low self esteem and self confidence.

12 years experience in financial sector with sales and training and personal development.